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EbOla Czar Ron Klain’s Unpromising First Day of Work

(by Keith Koffler, White House Dossier) 

The president’s personal secretary announces his first appointment of the afternoon today – Wednesday, October 22.

“Mr. President, the new Ebola Response Coordinator is here to meet with you.”

“Fantastic. Send him in.”

“Hello Mr. President.”

“Hello Ron, have a seat.”

“Thank you.”

“So, tell me, how is the coordinating going?”

“I haven’t coordinated anything yet.”

“I see.”

“It’s my first day.”

“Okay.”

“I can’t even coordinate my mouse with my desktop. You got all this new technology since I was last in the White House. I’m down in IT for training today. And I’m filling out forms.”

“Forms?”

“There’s a lot of forms. First day of work, you know?”

“Okay. I heard you were studying up on Ebola even before you got here. That’s great. That’s just kind of employee I want around here.”

“Mr. President, my phone is vibrating. Could you wait just a minute?”

“Uhh, sure.”

“Hello? Hello? . . . Mr. President, it’s Michelle Nunn, I have to take this . . .  Michelle? Yes? How are you? Okay . . . okay . . . yes, I understand. Well just say it’s nobody’s business, and sanctity of the ballot box is your first priority, not getting elected . . .  No, no, definitely don’t admit that you voted for him.”

“Voted for who?”

“Nothing, Mr. President . . .  Look, Michelle, I’m in meeting right now . . . Yes, I know you paid me a lot of money, but I’ve got this temporary gig, I think you’re aware of it . . . Yes, yes, goodbye. Okay, now where were we, Mr. President?”

“You were going to tell me what you’ve learned about Ebobla.”

“Oh, sure. Okay, Ebola. Ebola is a disease of humans and other primates caused by ebolaviruses. The first known outbreak of Ebola was identified only after the fact, occurring between June and November 1976 in Nzara, South Sudan, which was then part of Sudan, and was caused by the Sudanese variant of the virus. The Sudan outbreak infected 284 people and killed 151. The first identifiable case in Sudan occurred on June 27 in a storekeeper in a cotton factory in Nzara, who was hospitalized on June 30 and died on July 6 – ”

“Ron, this is of course extremely interesting. But what does this have to do with preventing Ebola here in the United States?”

“You can’t be serious.”

“Umm . . . ”

“How am I going to fight this virus if I don’t understand the context in which I’m battling it? If I don’t know its history and how it operates. It’s MO, Mr. President. When I take on an enemy, I need to know everything about it. I need to know what the Ebola virus wants before the Ebola virus knows it wants it. I need to know what the Ebola virus thinks before the Ebola virus thinks it. To know it’s next move before it makes it. I need to know everything about the Ebola virus. I need to know the Ebola virus better than the Ebola virus knows itself.”

“Ron, um, how does one transmit the Ebola virus?:

“I have no idea. How could I possibly have gotten that far in my reading? You just appointed me last week, and as you can see, I’m still wrapping up my prior commitments. Is there anything to eat?”

“Well, I already had lunch . . . ”

“That’s okay. I’ll wait. Now, you should know that I already took some actions I think you’ll approve of, even though I only have a phone and an pen. I ordered the EPA to study the effects of all these sick Ebola people on global warming. And I’ve tasked HHS with figuring out if we can give the virus to the Koch brothers.”

“For study?”

“No, give them the virus. Make them sick.”

“Well, Ron, this has been an enlightening discussion. ”

“Well, I’m glad to hear that. I wish I could have told you more about the history of Ebola. Tomorrow we’ll discuss Zaire. Anyway, I have to get over to ergonomics to have my chair fitted. Goodbye, Mr. President.”

“Goodbye, Ron. Hey, why don’t you skip a few chapters ahead in your reading. Okay?”

“I can’t do that, Mr. President. Remember, know your enemy.”

“Yes. Well, just, please, don’t hold any press conferences for a couple of days. Goodbye, and thanks.”

“Goodbye . . . ”

“Can someone get McDonough in here??”

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