Dear Senator Reid,
The staff and courtesans of The Resort and Spa at Sheri's Ranch (aka Sheri's Ranch) would like to be among those who have officially congratulated you on your long and successful political career. We thank you for your many years of exemplary service, not only to our beloved State of Nevada, but also to the United States of America as a whole. We are sorry to hear that the Silver State's most tenacious public servant will not seek reelection in 2016, and your plan to retire from politics.
Your work over the years has positively affected the lives of the legal prostitutes of Sheri's Ranch. You were a strong force in pushing Obamacare and passing the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act. This law now provides Nevada's legal prostitutes (each of them an independent contractor who must acquire their own health insurance) the right to health care. Despite the fact that legal sex workers in Nevada practice only safe sex and must be tested regularly for STD's and HIV, health insurance was something that licensed working girls were often denied due to the reputation of unlawful prostitution. Thank you for making it illegal for insurance companies to deny Nevada's legal hookers the right to health care.
Even though you are a member of the Mormon Church you were a vocal supporter of LGBT rights and worked to ban workplace discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation or gender identity. As you may be aware, many of the ladies of Sheri's Ranch are bisexual and willfully practice a plethora of intimate activities with both male and female clients. We thank you for the peace of mind that comes with knowing that we can explore our pansexual desires without fear of discrimination.
As brothel workers who ply our trade in the rural desert areas of Nevada, we applaud your fight against the Yucca Mountain nuclear waste repository. You have fought diligently to keep our backyard, Nye County, as environmentally safe as possible.
For these reasons, and for many more not mentioned in this letter, The Resort and Spa at Sheri's Ranch would be honored if you would consider our brothel the official venue for your 2016 retirement party. We have a beautiful 20 acre property with a hotel and restaurant on-site, and a full time chef, service, and security personnel.
As far as activities that we can offer attendees, many of your colleagues are intimately aware of our offerings, but we may have added new options since they last visited. In addition to our VIP sex bungalows, BDSM chamber, and numerous Jacuzzi rooms popular with our friends from the political arena, Sheri's has recently added a new massage room where your guests can receive full-body nude massages from one (or more) of the two dozen legal prostitutes on the property at any given time.
We're sure that our venue will be a big hit with your friends, family, and co-workers. Heck, a retirement party at Sheri's may even help lessen the animosity between you and your Republican acquaintances.
Again thank you so much for your years of public service and we anxiously await your reply.